It’s a sacred, precious thing to watch the life leave someone’s body- especially the body of someone you love. I’ve had the experience twice now, and both times it left a mark on my soul that I’ll never be able to leave behind.
I lost both of my parents before the age of 40. Watching my parents pass away at such a young age was brutal, and it has forever changed me. I was forced to become a different kind of adult, and until you lose your parents you won’t understand what that means. It’s a different kind of adulthood once your parents are gone, and it’s very lonely and sobering. The death of your parents forces you to face the reality that we all pass away some day, and that sometimes we are forced to deal with change we never wanted.
Losing my father felt so strange. His health had been declining for so long, so we were well aware that our time with him was running out. Still, his death itself came unexpectedly, and even though Dad’s death was traumatic for me in ways I won’t write about here, I felt ready to let him leave us. I was blessed to be able to spend a lot of time with him in his final days, talking and reflecting. He had suffered for so long, and even though I knew I’d miss him terribly, I didn’t want him to have to keep suffering in a body that had been slowly failing for years.
Mom’s death was very different. Mom was diagnosed with cancer on June 4, 2021 and her battle was short and brutal. By the time the doctors figured out what kind of cancer she had a few weeks later, it was too late to stop it and all we could do was try to make her final days as comfortable as possible. She died in my apartment on August 22, 2021- just a few hours after her big brother passed away due to complications from COVID. It felt like she was ripped away from us way too fast, and I never truly got to process everything that happened until much later. The day we said our final goodbye at her memorial service, I sobbed with a sadness that pulled at the depths of my soul.
During my parents’ final days, I often felt the need to document the events. Some people got upset about this, and I understand that not everyone wants to see photos of someone who is dying. However, for me, it was therapeutic in a strange way. It’s hard to explain, but taking photos to document their end of life was a way for me to remember those final precious days- good and bad- and having those photos has helped me to process emotions I didn’t have time to unpack at the time. There is a line in a song that’s very dear to me that says “I’m painting beauty with the ashes; your life is in my hands”. That song has gotten me through MANY dark times in my life, and this lyric has always been so beautiful to me; it’s meant as a message from God to trust His process and know that even in life’s darkest moments, there are still good things to come and we should trust Him. It also reminds me that there is purpose in life for everything, as well as to look for moments of beauty even in our darkest hours.
The same way that photography is therapeutic for my soul, so is art. Creating art has been scientifically proven to lower stress and help people process trauma and grief, and over the years I have experimented with many different forms of artistic expression. I used to create digital art for years, and recently I have started creating again. Creating digital art for me is kinda like painting or drawing; I use pixels and color to express my emotions and creative vision, just like a painter or a sketch artist just like a painter or a sketch artist would use paint, ink, or pencil. The wonderful thing about art is that all artists are inspired in different ways, and that inspiration is what helps us to create pieces of work that not only allow us to process emotions but also resonate with others who may have gone through something similar.
I have had an idea floating around in my head for a long time now. I went back and forth on whether to bring this idea to life, but ultimately decided to go for it. This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but as an artist, I have been haunted by the concept of this piece, and wanted to do this in honor of my sweet momma.
I call this piece “I’ll Fly Away”. I used a photo I took of Mom during one of her final hospital stays, while she rested in the bed next to me. At the moment I took it to remember how, even on the worst days, Mom was sure there was a reason God was putting her through her battle with cancer. She never got angry with God, and even told me that if her journey helped her doctors to understand the cancer better and use her story to help others, then she was good with that; she trusted God and His plan, even when I questioned why she had to endure so much. Her strength was incredible, all the way to the end. Mom’s faith reminded me of the classic hymn, “I’ll Fly Away”. I used color to represent the way the color leaves the body as a person dies and leaves this Earth for their eternal home, and chose textures that reminded me of the way things change and how our time on Earth is so short in the grand scheme of things.
I understand that this piece may feel morbid to some. It’s not; it’s meant to represent death in a beautiful way. This is my own way of “painting beauty with the ashes” of my life. If you don’t like the piece, that’s ok; not everyone will, and I’m fine with that. I will ask, however, for anyone who doesn’t like the piece to just move along without any ugly comments or hatefulness. ♥
It feels good to be creating again. Over the last 8 months, I’ve struggled to find inspiration and joy in the things I used to love. Life has changed so drastically for me, and I have had such a hard time finding the desire to do much more than sleep in my “me time”. However, I’m slowly starting to find my spark again, and creating pieces like this are helping.
