Day 4 of Winter Storm ’26… Being snowed in by yourself gives a person a lot of time to think.
Last July I closed myself off. After leaving my job two months prior, people I trusted set out to ruin my life with lies and exaggerations. I was made out to be insane and incapable of taking care of myself or my children; my son was taken away and my world crumbled down around me. I hid myself away from everyone except those nearest and dearest to me- I didn’t want to see anyone, and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I felt like I had failed everyone who has ever cared about me, and I cut myself off to try to protect what was left of my heart.
It wasn’t good for me. I spent so many days drowning in my own tears, sitting alone with my thoughts and trying to understand what had happened to my life- I don’t know that I’ll ever understand. Rarely venturing farther than the solitude of my back yard, some days I took comfort in the quiet, but most days I felt crushed by it. I felt like my life was at a standstill- I felt frozen in time. I didn’t know how to move forward, but I had no choice… As I plastered a smile on my face and went to job interviews, I was completely shattered inside with no idea how to pick up the pieces.
I prayed so much I felt like the only “person” I talked to most days was God. And even though my family and friends wrapped me in love and support, I struggled with the emptiness I felt at having motherhood stripped away from me. True- my kids weren’t completely gone- but as someone whose life has always revolved around my children and taking care of them to suddenly only seeing them when someone else allowed me to, I felt like the biggest part of my life and personality was suddenly gone; I didn’t know how to deal with that. If I wasn’t a mother first and foremost anymore, who was I? I felt like my life had no purpose or meaning, and I wanted to stay locked inside the house and just disappear.
It’s been 7 months, and after a lot of prayer, therapy, and love from those around me, I am healing. It’s a slow, painful process and some days are harder than others, but God has placed some wonderful people in my life who have been rays of sunshine in an otherwise dark and gloomy world. He has blessed me with a job I love and wonderful coworkers that I am honored to have in my life. He has blessed me with a man that has proven to me that I am worthy of love and respect even on the days I feel my lowest. He has shown me how many people truly love and care about me and my children, and I have been so humbled by the outpouring of love I have received. I am beyond grateful for the blessings God has given me, and I pray daily for Him to return those blessings tenfold to all those who have helped to pull me out of the pit of despair I was trapped in.
I no longer feel stuck or frozen in time, but I am deeply changed- just like those icecicles hanging from the roof of my house, my heart still needs time to thaw and heal. Life doesn’t look the way I thought it would at this point of my journey, but I know things could be much worse- because they have been- and I’m so grateful to be where I am. I may not be able to see my children every day, but they are alive and well and I can still talk to them. I may not be as financially stable as I would like to be, but I’m working hard to get myself out of debt and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made- no matter how small. It’s going to take a while longer before I’m out of the storm, but I’m getting there one day at a time. One day I will be able to look back on this period of my life with a relieved sigh and say “Thank you, Lord, for getting me through that.”
